Tricky toddler behavior: Why it happens, and how to handle it

Have you ever wondered if your 2-year-old is acting out on purpose? You aren’t alone. A large survey showed that parents often overestimate their toddler’s ability to control their emotions and impulses. This can lead to overly high expectations and more frustration when children don’t follow the rules. It can help to have a plan in place for meltdowns and playdates gone awry. Here’s how to handle three tricky moments:

Your toddler melts down because their graham crackers breaks in half

What’s happening?
Sometimes there’s not much your toddler—or you—can do to stop a tantrum once it happens. They just have more feelings than they can handle at that moment. 

What to do:
It’s hard to see your child upset, but it’s better to accept their challenging feelings than try to make them go away. Your 2-year-old’s biggest need is to know that you’re there for them: “You are having such a hard time right now. It’s okay to be frustrated and cry. I’m right here.” When they start to calm down, help them move on by doing something you enjoy together, like reading a book or taking a walk.

Your 2-year-old continues to throw their blocks after you ask them to stop

What’s happening?
Your toddler may hold up a block and say, “No throwing,” then immediately throw it. Two-year-olds don’t always have the self-control to follow a rule—even if they can verbalize it. And if they go to Grandma’s house where the blocks look different? They might not even remember the rule. It takes a lot of practice for your toddler to generalize a rule across different settings and situations. 

What to do:
When your toddler doesn’t follow a rule, calmly remind them: “These blocks are for stacking, not throwing.” If they continue to throw the blocks, put the toys out of reach and offer them something they can throw instead: “You really want to throw these hard blocks, but someone might get hurt. I’m going to put them away. Here’s a soft ball you can throw.” 

If your toddler starts pushing the limit in new ways—like immediately picking up and throwing a toy car—they may need your sustained attention. Stay firm on the limit and try to connect with them through play: “That car is too hard to throw, too. Do you want to play together instead? We could roll the car back and forth!” 

When your 2-year-old snatches a toy from another child during a playdate

What’s happening:
Two-year-olds will occasionally share voluntarily—like offering you a bite of their sandwich—but that doesn’t mean they can share all the time. It will be a few more years before they have the executive function skills to share consistently—and even then they may struggle 🙃

What to do:
It’s okay for your toddler to keep a special toy to themselves: “That’s Charlie’s favorite stuffy. She wants to keep it close.” If your child doesn’t want to share anything, introduce the idea of turn-taking: “Your friend wants to use that shovel next. When you’re done filling your bucket, it will be their turn.” It can also help to provide more shovels ❤️

Learn more about the research:

Zero to Three & the Bezos Family Foundation (2016). Tuning In: Parents of Young Children Tell Us What They Think, Know and Need. 

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