Sharing & Taking Turns
Learning to share is a complex, collaborative process that takes years to develop. Children often need a lot of support from their adult caregivers and many repetitions before they’re able to do it consistently. To really share with someone, your child needs to grasp the idea that other people are different from them. They also need to develop the impulse control to wait their turn with a plaything or activity. Here’s what to know about when and how children learn to share.
In this article:
- When do children learn to share?
- When do children learn to take turns?
- Why is sharing important for children to learn?
- How to teach children to share
- Activities that help teach sharing and turn-taking
- What should you do when your child won’t share?
- Developmental concerns with sharing
When do children learn to share?
Most children aren’t able to share consistently until they’re at least 4 years of age—often older. Foundational to sharing is a concept child development experts call self-other differentiation. This means your child understands that other people are different from them, a first step in grasping that other people have feelings, too. Eventually, they will be able to recognize social cues such as other children’s facial expressions or body language.
For young children, voluntary sharing develops along with an understanding of other people’s feelings. Before they can share, your child will need plenty of adult-supported turn-taking practice, which typically starts around age 2.
When do children learn to take turns?
Long before your child learns to share, and even before they learn to talk, they’ll start to pick up on the concept of taking turns. You can help lay an early foundation for turn-taking in infancy, but real turn-taking—with limited impulse control—typically starts around age 2.
Conversational turn-taking: from birth to 9 months
As a baby, your child may try to communicate with you through eye contact and cooing. Your response—either with words, eye contact, or gestures—begins a back-and-forth “conversation” that helps form your relationship. This interaction is what Harvard researchers call “serve and return” and is your baby’s first experience with taking turns. At this stage, they probably don’t understand turn taking, or even consciously notice it. But these serve-and-return interactions with you introduce them to the idea of communicating something, then waiting for the other person to have their turn ❤️
Here’s what a “conversation” with your baby may look like, where one person “serves” by offering up a sound, smile, word, or gesture, and the other “returns” it:
- Your baby looks at you and you smile.
- Your baby waves their arms and you say, “Hi, baby!”
- Your baby makes a sound, and you make the same sound back.
Research suggests that babies as young as 8 weeks old may engage in this type of conversational turn-taking with their caregivers.
Imitating turn-taking: about 10 months to 24 months
As your child grows, encouraging them to imitate you during play can be a way to practice early turn-taking. Try rolling a ball back and forth, playing peekaboo where both of you take turns “hiding,” or taking turns at mealtimes: “Mommy has a bite: Yum! Now you have a bite: Delicious!” You might tap two blocks together and say, “Tap, tap,” then pause for your baby to try tapping. Any activity you can model and then prompt your child to try may set them up to be more successful with turn-taking later—especially when you can keep the back-and-forth going.
Taking turns with peers: 24 months and up
Around the age of 2, your child may be ready to try taking turns with toys or other objects of interest. Turn-taking is often easier for young toddlers than sharing because your child is more certain that they’ll still have access to the object they want. Explain how turn-taking works, and give your toddler plenty of practice and patience. Waiting for someone else to have a turn with a beloved toy requires self-control, a skill your toddler is still learning.
Until well into kindergarten, your child will probably need your guidance and support to help them take turns. They may need caregivers to help them manage some of the tricky social negotiations that happen during turn-taking. Turn-taking requires a certain level of trust with their play partner—so your child may be more inclined to take turns with you before they’re ready to take turns with a peer.
Why is sharing important for children to learn?
Learning to share with others is an important social skill children need in school and everyday life. Teaching your child about sharing may also help lay the foundation for other thoughtful and helpful behaviors:
Sharing may encourage kindness: Sharing and taking turns may foster additional acts of kindness and generosity. Some research indicates that when young children are encouraged to be altruistic through simple sharing games, they tend to continue that pattern of behavior later. Turn-taking and sharing, especially guided by you, may give your child a model for generous social behavior they can continue with others.
Sharing helps promote good feelings: You know that rush of positive feelings you get when you do something kind for someone? Young children can experience and notice this too. Helping your child understand their feelings about sharing may help them be more likely to share again in the future. You can call attention to how sharing makes other people feel: “I noticed that your friend was so excited when you gave them a turn with the train set.”
You can also notice and name your child’s feelings when they have a positive experience with sharing something: “I wonder how sharing your snack with a friend made you feel? I see that you are smiling and your friend is smiling, too.” As your child learns more about social interaction and emotions, they may be able to tune into these feelings for themselves. Remember, though, that for young children, sharing is challenging and may not feel good at first. Be patient with your child and avoid assuming that sharing always feels good to them.
Sharing may help build friendships: Sharing is a key social skill that may contribute to how well your child gets along with playmates and classmates. Once your child learns how to navigate taking turns and sharing with peers, they may be less likely to have conflicts over toys or other items of interest. Research suggests that children who have strong social skills in activities like sharing tend to be more accepted by peers.
RELATED: Cooperative play: how young children build friendships
How to teach children to share
You can encourage learning to share by first helping your child practice turn-taking. With your support and guidance, your toddler can learn turn-taking and the idea that it’s okay to allow others to play with their toys. Your toddler will likely need lots of support from caregivers at first. You can demonstrate and explain turn-taking in simple terms: “First my turn—wait—now your turn!” and give your child language to use with peers. Help your child practice turn-taking by incorporating it into playtime and everyday activities:
Model turn-taking: You’ve probably already realized how closely your child observes everything you do 🙃 Point out everyday, routine examples of turn-taking to your child to help them see how taking turns is part of daily life. Maybe you take turns with other family members using the TV or microwave, or you take turns using the sink to brush your teeth in the morning. You can say, “It’s Mommy’s turn to use the sink, then your brother gets a turn to use it,” or “It’s your turn to push the button on the elevator. Tomorrow it will be your sister’s turn.”
RELATED: 4 games that will help your child take turns with grace
Practice turn-taking together: While playing together, working on puzzles, stacking blocks, or even cooking, introduce the idea of turn-taking. Discuss with your child how turn-taking works, using terms like “my turn” and “your turn” to help them understand that it’s a back-and-forth process. Then let them practice in different contexts. While playing with blocks, you could point out how you each get a turn stacking a block on the tower. If your child enjoys cooking with you, illustrate how you get a turn to put the eggs into the batter and they get a turn to pour in the milk.
Narrate and prepare: As you practice turn-taking, narrate what’s about to happen so it’s not a surprise: “You’re playing with the truck now, and in two minutes it’s going to be Maria’s turn.” For young children, the concept of time is still vague, but this helps them start to understand how turn-taking works. You can also try using a turn-taking strategy that doesn’t rely on time, and instead give each child a specific number of actions—each child gets to dump items out of the toy dump truck three times, or each child gets to throw the ball twice before another child gets a turn.
Reframe the process: If you introduce sharing as a part of a collaborative, cooperative way to play, children are more likely to have fun together. Ask, “I wonder how tall a tower you can build together?” Then remain present to offer support for turn-taking. using language that makes sharing part of the play: “Here is a block for you and one for you!” or “I wonder which block you are going to pick for your turn?”
Build on existing skills: Children love to explore cause and effect, and you can build on this concept to help your toddler or preschooler learn to share. With your empathetic help, your child can start to notice the effect their actions have on others. For example, if one child grabs a ball from another, it can be helpful to get down on that child’s level and say, “You really wanted that ball. Look at Lucy’s face. She is so sad. She did not like it when you grabbed the ball. I am going to help you give it back to her.”
Choose what to share: For older toddlers and preschoolers, you might have your child select a few beloved toys in advance to put away if you’re expecting company or planning a playdate. Determine the number of “off-limits” items before you start. This respects the connection your child has with these playthings and lets them feel more in control. When choosing activities for a playdate, think about what might be easiest for multiple children to play with, like a block set or a collection of dolls, cars, or balls. That way, sharing and turn-taking won’t need to be negotiated for every plaything.
Use a visual timer: A visual timer can help your child see how long each person’s turn will last. Using a clock or timer that has a countdown feature or is color-coded (like the Countdown Color Timer) helps your child know when their turn is up. Remind your child that the other person gets a turn for the same amount of time and then they switch again.
Start slow: It’s common for children to struggle with turn-taking and sharing at first. Even the most agreeable toddler or preschooler may be able to share for only so long. If turn-taking starts feeling too hard, try an activity that provides more opportunities for harmony. Sensory play, art activities, puzzles, or even a common task like spreading nut butter on crackers are all easy ways to let everyone have a turn at the same time.
Activities that help teach sharing and turn-taking
Although your child may not be able to begin sharing consistently until nearly 5 years of age, you can lay the foundation for sharing by modeling and practicing this skill.
Turn-taking activities for babies
Early “conversations:” In your baby’s early months, you can help lay the foundation for them to understand turn-taking, sharing, and social interaction by playing with them in an attentive way. Each time you encourage those back-and-forth “conversations” with your baby, you model turn-taking. As you show your baby playthings or objects in their world, sit with them face-to-face, respond to their little coos or gestures, and describe what they are looking at. Then pause to see if they respond with a vocalization or facial expression.
Taking turns at peekaboo: A simple game of peekaboo supports a number of early skills, including turn-taking. As you play a game of peekaboo using a Magic Tissue or scarf, begin by hiding your face. Ask your baby, “Where’s Mommy” or “Where’s Daddy?” to help them build an association between your name and face. Pause and then reveal your face saying, “Here I am!” Next, encourage your baby to have a turn at the game. Hide their face behind the cloth and ask, “Where’s baby?” Then remove the cloth and say, “There you are!” Playing this game back and forth with your baby may help them grasp the concept of turn-taking.
Turn-taking with a ball: Around 11 to 12 months, you can practice the concept of taking turns by rolling an Opposite Ball to your baby. Encourage them to imitate you and roll it back. Be patient. It may take a while for your baby to catch on to the turn-taking aspect of the activity, so give them plenty of time to respond while supporting and narrating the process of taking turns:
- Sit across from your baby.
- Roll one of the balls to them while saying, “The ball is rolling to you!”
- Encourage them to roll it back: Open your hands to suggest you want the ball, saying, “Roll the ball to me!”
- If they don’t return the ball, try rolling the second one and encouraging them like you did before.
- You can also gently take one from them and try again.
- Your baby may attempt to roll the ball to you but send it in another direction instead. That’s okay! This shows they understand the turn-taking flow: you roll the ball, they roll the ball, then you roll the ball again.
Sharing and turn-taking activities for toddlers and preschoolers:
Many classic games and toys can help your child learn about turn-taking and sharing. With some guidance and support from you, these simple activities can help your toddler or preschooler practice the social skills required for sharing.
Build a tower together: Tower building using stacking blocks offers a perfect opportunity to help your child learn about turn-taking. Each person’s turn is short—just long enough to place a block—but it requires your child to control their impulses just long enough to allow you to have a turn.
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Learn moreDescribe how to take turns as you play together, saying “Your turn first,” and then when it’s your turn, “My turn now.” If you find that your toddler struggles with the idea of taking turns (which is common), just offer gentle prompts to remind them: “Wait, Mommy’s turn. Now it’s Maddie’s turn.” Keep in mind that your toddler may not master turn-taking right away; this skill takes a lot of practice.
Make a turn-taking game: Use some of your child’s favorite playthings to make a turn-taking game. Flip over the Community Garden Puzzle, propping up one side on a pillow or stack of books to make a ramp. Take turns with your child rolling the beads from the Threadable Bead Kit and the pegs from the Wooden Stacking Peg Board down the ramp. Use verbal cues, like “your turn” and “my turn” to help your toddler understand how to wait for their turn to play. You can also play together using the Race & Chase Ramp with each of you taking turns rolling a car down the ramp.
Read books about sharing: As with many social-emotional skills, you can also help your child learn about sharing through reading books together. Choose books in which the characters model turn-taking and sharing. As you read, point out when the characters share, and discuss with your child how they did it and how they feel about it. Here are a few examples of children’s books that discuss sharing:
- The Play Date
- Measurement Day
- “Herbert on the Slide” by Rilla Alexander
- “I Share” by Cheri J. Meiners
- “Ta-Da!” by Kathy Ellen Davis
What should you do when your child won’t share?
Since your child may not consistently share until they’re 4 years old or older, at some point you’ll likely encounter a situation where your child isn’t ready to share yet. Your toddler or preschooler might declare an item is “mine” or have a big emotional reaction if they are pushed to share. Here’s what to do when your child is struggling to share.
Don’t force it: At this age, it isn’t helpful to force your child to share. Instead, focus on modeling how to share and practicing turn-taking. Starting around age 2, your child may be ready to practice taking turns, although they will still need a lot of support from you.
Redirect and reassure: If another child is using something your child wants, reassure them that they will have a turn when their friend is done. Help your child engage in another activity or comfort them if they can’t be redirected. “You are still thinking about the truck. When Lucy is done playing, it will be your turn.” Model the appropriate language to use if another child tries to take something your child is using, “You can say `I’m still using it.’” Then you can speak directly to the other child and say, “When (your child) is done, we will make sure you get a turn.”
Name what they’re feeling: You might say, “I see you are crying. You are letting us know that you want your ball back. Daddy is going to help you.” In this way, you tell your child that you understand her experience while also “telegraphing” the situation to the other adults or children who may be present.
Taking turns can be a challenge for young kids because it might feel unpredictable: what are the rules? Why do we take turns with certain objects and not others? Why do we have to do this at all? It also can feel like a constant disappointment—your child may have a beloved item taken from them every few minutes while taking turns. Waiting simply isn’t easy. All the ways you are helping build your child’s patience are worthwhile practice. Remember it takes time for them to learn this skill.
Developmental concerns with sharing
Since sharing is a complex skill, it can take a while for children to consistently show it in a variety of settings. For example, they may feel comfortable sharing their toys at a friend’s house but not so eager to share when the friend is visiting their house. By around 4 to 5 years of age, your child may begin to share more consistently, although they may still need a friendly reminder from you. It’s also helpful to validate your child’s feelings and recognize that sharing is challenging for young children and doesn’t always feel good. If you ever have concerns about your child’s developing social skills, discuss them with your pediatrician. They can evaluate your child’s social skills as a whole, as well as other aspects of their development.
Meet the Experts
Learn more about the Lovevery child development experts who created this story.
Research & Resources
Blandon, A. Y., Calkins, S. D., Grimm, K. J., Keane, S. P., & O’Brien, M. (2010). Testing a developmental cascade model of emotional and social competence and early peer acceptance. Development and Psychopathology, 22(4), 737-748.
Cortes Barragan, R., & Dweck, C. S. (2014). Rethinking natural altruism: Simple reciprocal interactions trigger children’s benevolence. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 111(48), 17071-17074.
Center on the Developing Child. (2016a). Serve and return. http://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/keyconcepts/serve-and-return/
Feldman, R. (2007). Parent–infant synchrony: Biological foundations and developmental outcomes. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(6), 340–345.
Ferreira, T., Cadima, J., Matias, M., Vieira, J. M., Leal, T., & Matos, P. M. (2016). Preschool children’s prosocial behavior: The role of mother–child, father–child and teacher–child relationships. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25, 1829-1839.
Gratier, M., Devouche, E., Guellai, B., Infanti, R., Yilmaz, E., & Parlato-Oliveira, E. (2015). Early development of turn-taking in vocal interaction between mothers and infants. Frontiers in Psychology, 6(1167), 236-245.
Hay, D. F. (1979). Cooperative interactions and sharing between very young children and their parents. Developmental Psychology, 15(6), 647–653.
Hedenbro, M., & Rydelius, P. A. (2014). Early interaction between infants and their parents predicts social competence at the age of four. Acta Paediatrica, 103(3), 268-274.
Levitt, M. J., Weber, R. A., Clark, M. C., & McDonnell, P. (1985). Reciprocity of exchange in toddler sharing behavior. Developmental Psychology, 21(1), 122.
Nguyen T, Zimmer L, Hoehl S. (2023) Your turn, my turn. Neural synchrony in mother–infant proto-conversation. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B 378: 20210488.
Paulus, M., & Moore, C. (2017). Preschoolers’ generosity increases with understanding of the affective benefits of sharing. Developmental Science, 20(3), e12417.
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