Is your toddler “shy?” How to support them in unfamiliar situations
Shy, cautious, introverted, timid: Whatever you call it, many toddlers can be slow to warm in new situations or with new people. When your child clings to you or won’t say hello to a friend or family member, you may feel awkward or self-conscious—but being shy isn’t a bad thing.
Why your child acts shy sometimes
Every child’s nervous system reacts differently to experiences. A party with a lot of new people may make one child feel excited and another feel anxious and overstimulated. Staying close to a caregiver or playing alone can be a child’s way of protecting their nervous system and feeling comfortable.
Your child may be slow to warm in some situations and not others. For example, they may hide when your neighbor tries to talk to them at the post office but smile and wave when they see them outside your home. Or, they act shy at a family gathering but then act friendly at music class. Just like adults, children may feel more comfortable in a familiar setting or with certain people.
There isn’t anything inherently wrong with being shy. Other people may feel more at ease when a child is outgoing, but shyness typically isn’t something to be concerned about. And even if your child is shy now that doesn’t mean they will be years from now—they may just be going through a stage. A child’s personality evolves over time with different life experiences, and temperament is only one piece of the puzzle.
How to help your child adjust to new social situations and new faces
1. Avoid using the word “shy”
Give voice to what your child needs to feel comfortable in a social situation. For example, if another person asks, “Why isn’t Marco playing?” or “Oh, is Marco a little shy?” you could say: “Marco is taking some time to look around and see what’s happening.” Use a positive tone of voice to give a neutral picture of your child’s needs without judgment.
2. Give them a preview
Before a social gathering, help your child understand what to expect. If they’re attending a birthday party, you might say: “First, there will be playtime and a bounce house, and then we’ll all have birthday cake.” Make a point to mention any familiar people who may be at the gathering: “Gemma will be there, and so will her big sister and her dad. We had so much fun with Gemma the last time we saw her!” If possible, try to arrive a little early to big social gatherings so your child has time to get acquainted with the setting before others arrive. Walking into a room full of strangers can be intimidating for anyone, especially young children.
3. Encourage but don’t pressure
Respect your child’s need to observe cautiously before joining in. As they become more comfortable, you can suggest ways to participate based on their interests and strengths. For example: “Your friend is climbing on the playset. You love to climb. Should we go play together?” Remember: Avoiding social events won’t help your child learn to cope—in fact, research shows it may make them more likely to withdraw.But pushing them to interact before they’re ready could also increase feelings of fear and nervousness.
4. Tell them their feelings are okay
If your child feels anxious or cautious, let them know you understand and accept their feelings: “There are a lot of new people at the park today. It’s okay if you’re nervous. Let’s sit together and watch.”
5. Be their secure base
Encourage your child to hold your hand, hug you, or stay close during social gatherings. This may be just the support and security they need to let go and start interacting with others.
Learn more about the research
Arcus, D. (2001). Inhibited and uninhibited children: Biology in the social context. In T. D. Wachs & G. A. Kohnstamm (Eds.), Temperament in context (pp. 43–60). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
Grady, J. S., Karraker, K., & Metzger, A. (2012). Shyness trajectories in slow-to-warm-up infants: Relations with child sex and maternal parenting. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 33(2), 91-101.
Hastings, P. D., Nuselovici, J. N., Rubin, K. H., & Cheah, C. S. (2010). Shyness, parenting, and parent-child relationships. The Development of Shyness and Social Withdrawal, 13, 107-130.
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