A 3-step guide for setting and holding effective limits with your toddler

You and your toddler are playing together outside, and you tell them it’s time to go in. “No! Stay outside,” they yell and run off.

At age 2, your toddler is learning the meaning of limits. Setting and holding a limit with your child may not always feel great, but it’s an important part of their development. As they get older, they’ll need to set and hold their own limits—which they won’t know how to do effectively without your help.

Setting a limit with your toddler in 3 steps

1. Show you understand their perspective

Name your child’s want or feeling at that moment. “Wow, you really want to stay outside and play. I get it. I’m having fun out here, too.” 

2. State the limit and stay firm

Get low and close to your child as you calmly state the limit: “You can’t stay outside right now.” You don’t have to give a reason, but offer a simple and clear one if you have it. “It’s dinnertime. We have to go inside.” If your child still resists, you can give them a choice: “Would you like to walk or should I carry you?” If needed, calmly pick them up and bring them inside.

3. Be prepared for emotions

Your primary job is to set and hold the limit—and your child’s job is to let you know how they feel about it, even if that means a meltdown. When your child is in distress, it’s hard not to try and fix their feelings for them. But remember, these feelings are an important part of developing emotion regulation skills. Your child needs to experience disappointment to learn how to get through it. Offering a cuddle or a hug is a great way to validate their emotions: “You don’t like this. It’s okay to feel disappointed.” You can help your child move on as they start to calm down: “I think Papa put our plates on the table. Let’s see what he cooked for us.” 

Learn more about the research

Houck, G. M., & Lecuyer-Maus, E. A. (2004). Maternal limit setting during toddlerhood, delay of gratification, and behavior problems at age five. Infant Mental Health Journal, 25(1), 28-46.

Juffer, F., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2017). Pairing attachment theory and social learning theory in video-feedback intervention to promote positive parenting. Current opinion in psychology, 15, 189-194.

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