Behavior is a smoke alarm

“If behavior is the language of children, they often can’t come up and say, ‘Hey, I need connection.’ … ​​They are seeking out that connection 24 hours a day and they will seek it out any way they can.”

Genevieve Muir @connectedparentingau

There are lots of parenting experts talking about choosing connection over discipline, but today’s guest on My New Life has a fresh take on limit-setting: She compares bad behavior to a smoke alarm going off. Punishment is like taking a hose and pointing it at the alarm. If the pressure is great enough, the alarm will stop. But we still don’t know why it went off in the first place. We need to find the fire!

Obstetric Social Worker and Parent Educator Genevieve Muir joins Host Jessica Rolph to provide tips on finding the origin of these emotional flare ups. You can find Gen @connectedparentingau. 

Transcript:

Welcome Gen.

Gen: Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be here.

Understanding children’s challenging behavior

Jessica: Why is it so important to understand the root cause of our child’s challenging behavior? 

Gen: If we put it really simply, the reason we need to find that root cause is that otherwise the behavior is going to happen again and again and again. So essentially what we know is that you need to name it to tame it. And children never choose to muck up and they never choose to be the bad kid. Whether it’s winging or whining, whether it’s hitting siblings, whether it’s meltdowns or tantrums, kids are never choosing to get it wrong. They really do want to get it right. And I think we can lose sight of that sometimes. And when we do we think, “Well, they’re just mucking up. Why are they doing this to me?”

Or we can get really stuck in that, and the truth is we need to always stop and think, if behavior is the language of children, they can’t come up often and say, “Hey, I need connection.” And instead they show us through that behavior. So we always need to step back from that and think, where is that source of the fire? And when we can do that, what happens is we are able to name it to tame it. We’re able to bring that knowledge up to their sort of frontal part of the brain. There’s a scientific process that happens and they get better at regulating as well, which is the bonus.

Jessica: Okay. So let’s get into some specifics. So what might be something where it looks on the surface like it’s one thing, but actually there’s something else going on. This is an example for older children, but my son was feeling like it was very unfair that my daughter got a little bit more Nutella on her toast this morning. And I will admit that I was putting Nutella on toast to try and get them out the door to go to a camp, a new camp that my son really didn’t want to go to. And he was really pressuring and becoming so precise and really being so hard on my daughter about this Nutella spread. Like, “You got a little bit more spread and that’s not fair.”

But I think what was really going on if I reflect, is that he was just so anxious about going to camp. He didn’t want to go to camp with all these other kids. And it’s really so different. The smoke and the fire are these signs. It’s like you see the smoke as the Nutella, but the fire is really the not wanting to go to camp. So how do we start to break this all down? 

Gen: So the problem is for us as parents, we have trouble seeing the cause of the fire. We just see the behavior. One of the things I like to talk to parents about, I’m going to get a glass here. But I like them to imagine that our kids have a little glass of water and essentially everything that goes into that glass of water gets to the limit. Once that overflows, that’s when our… Particularly little kids, that’s when they’re having a meltdown or even in the case of your son, he couldn’t handle the Nutella because his cup was already full to the brim with worry about going to camp.

Ask yourself “Is my child okay or not okay”

And so it only took one more little thing on the top and he’s overflowing. So what I love in terms of how do we deal with this, how do we spot the source of the fire in the moment? Which is so hard. One of the things you can do is almost stop and ask yourself this one simple question, “Is my child okay or not okay?” And if my child’s not okay, the chances are they don’t want us to fix it or solve it or make it better. They actually just want us to say, “You really not feeling good about the Nutella, huh?” It’s as simple as that. And we pause and we are just say in that moment, “I see that you are upset.” Or, “I see that you’re not okay.”

I know there’s a lot of stuff on the internet about naming underlying emotions, because I heard when you told that story, I heard some underlying emotions about maybe feeling there was an injustice there with his sister, and that makes sense as well. Kids can often feel that sense of injustice, or they can feel small or powerless. That can all be there. We don’t have to necessarily name that. I think we can just stop and say, “Uh, you’re not okay today, are you?” And we are almost just opening our body and stopping. And sometimes in that moment you might have a hug where you hold on and you don’t let go of that hug until he sort of pushes you away. And you might notice his whole face has softened.

And again in hindsight, you might know, “I think he was worried about going to camp.” And although we didn’t talk about it, in some way you just holding space for the Nutella, hold space for his worry around camp. But in other cases sometimes it’s by sitting there saying, “I can see you’re really struggling with this Nutella and I’m wondering if you’re a little bit nervous because I know you are going to a new camp today. And it can feel scary going somewhere where we don’t know what to expect. I completely get that, if that was the case.” We guess at it for our kids, even older kids, because often they cannot wrap those words around it themselves yet, they just don’t have the capacity. And particularly with little kids we do the same thing.

So, it might be a daycare day and my child is losing it over their socks or the way I peeled the banana. And I might say the same thing, I might say, “Oh, you’re so upset that I peeled your banana all away. I completely get that. And I know it’s a daycare day and it is hard to say goodbye to Mommy.” Or it might be, “And I know it’s so hard being a big brother.” That child might be processing a baby in the house. I guess we’re taking a bit of a guess, an educator guess, at, “What do I think is underlying this emotion from my child, if I was to guess what is going into that emotional cup and getting them to that limit?”

How to talk to toddlers going through a hard time

Jessica: I wish I’d had you in my ear this morning. So, we have this mantra that we all hear as parents, “He’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time.” What are some examples of the simple language you use with toddlers who are just out of control and they’re just… They really do feel like they’re giving us a hard time.

Gen: What I try to do… And, my story is, I didn’t come at this naturally. I was a young mom of a toddler and a new baby who had reflux. And the reason I do what I do as a parent educator is I really felt like my two-year-old was giving me a hard time. He was struggling to regulate his emotions and he was hitting and biting people at two. And I thought, “Oh my goodness.” And I didn’t know how to handle it and really felt like it was him. And I went on a mission to work out, “Well, what is it?” And then it was this clarity that came eventually with really understanding attachment and understanding all the stuff that I do. I suddenly went, “Oh, he’s not giving me a hard time. He’s having a hard time.”

Particularly when we understand the transition that young children go through when a sibling arrives, I think that’s one of the biggest examples of our child having a hard time. We think that maybe there might be a couple of weeks where they process having to share their parents. But actually what we know is that our children are absolutely dependent on one to two primary relationships for survival. And this almost is above the need for food and shelter for children. They absolutely are seeking out that connection 24 hours a day and they will seek it out any way they can.

We’re actually never more connected than when we’re yelling at them or we’re upset with them. And that’s why often we will see toddlers that are mucking up or they’ve gone backwards in their toilet training. They’re needing us more at night, or they’re hitting the baby or hitting us following a sibling. And that can last up to 12 months and it actually peaks around the time that baby starts to move and become more of a person. And it’s not like our toddler is trying to manipulate or they want to be a bad kid. They want to be a good kid so much, but this little person is competing with them for survival. So there’s something in them that acts up and struggles to process that, which I think when we think about it like that, makes sense. But when we’re so busy with a newborn it can be so easy to look at that older child and think, “Why are you giving me such a hard time?” Or, “Why are you being mean to an innocent baby?”

Again, when we’ve got a toddler picking repeatedly on a baby, taking everything out of the baby’s hand, it looks like, “Oh, my toddler just isn’t sharing.” Or, “They’re not nice to a tiny little baby that’s not hurting them.” And yet if we look at that bigger picture, where’s the underlying fire? 

The underlying fire is, this little person has come in and is competing with me for my parent’s connection. And I can’t handle them having one more thing so I am just going to have to take that toy off them. And I don’t want to get that wrong. I don’t want to be the bad kid. And yet something in me takes it. And almost as our children take that they’re saying, “Please help me, set a boundary. And reassure me that there’s no shame in this and that I am doing the best that I can. I’m a good kid.” So it’s really complex stuff for parents and for our little toddlers and little people as they adjust. And that… And the sibling change is a good one to bring up because children process… Little children process any change a bit like a grief, because they do like rhythm and routine. And so even a change to daycare, even moving house, even a change in anything in their worlds can feel like the rug gets pulled out from under them. And then they need more connection and more boundaries and more reassurance to be okay.

Boundary setting

Jessica: Okay. So walk me through the boundary setting and the compassion. So let’s keep with that, really not being nice to the baby. Let’s talk about that. Where a toddler is just not being nice to the baby, whether it’s… My children would kinda like swipe the cheeks. It started out as a gentle touch and it would just end up being a… You’re like, “Is this… What is this? I feel like we’re pivoting into something else here, but I’m not sure.” Talk to me about what am I doing as a parent in that moment.

Gen: Yeah. I love the way you described that. It is so common. I have parents, they’ll say to me, “My child, they’re… They just don’t know their own size and they’re just lying on top of the baby repeatedly and they just don’t know their own weight.” And I will laugh and say, “They know their own weight.” [laughter] They’re absolutely… Even when it looks loving in this kind of uh. If the baby looks uncomfortable, yeah, they’re saying… In the same way as a child that hits, it’s the same, they’re saying, “Help me out.”

Say you’ve got a little baby in a bouncer and we’ve got a two year old. If they’re rocking the bouncer and it literally just looks innocent, I try to use very few words. Always when there is a risk of harm to self others or property, we’re in a boundary moment. But we want to kind of come in where our child’s at. Now at two, my child’s taking in about two in 10 of my words, especially if they’re not regulated, which, a child processing a new baby is probably not.

So if they’re a bit overexcited, I’m probably going to say very little, move their hand physically, because setting boundaries with toddlers it has to be physical, never in a way that I’m scaring my child, but in a way of, “I’m going to help you here. I’m stepping in to be your prefrontal cortex. You don’t know that this is too rough so I’m stepping in.”

And I’m just going to guide my child’s hand and I’m going to say, “Oh, the baby likes it much better like that.” So I’m just going to guide my child. Then we’ve got a child that’s rocking that bouncer but looking at us like, “I know this is too rough.” Or they’re… Like you said, they’re stroking the cheek but it’s uncomfortable looking. That’s probably our cue to do a little bit more. So I’m going to say, “I’m not going to let… “ I like the words, whether it is a rough touch or whether it is even a hit or snatching a toy out of the baby’s hand. I like to teach parents the wording, “I won’t let you.”

So, the reason I like that wording above and beyond, “Gentle hands.” Or, “We don’t hit in this family.” Is because it is the most clear, but mostly it’s not for our child at all. Our child probably won’t hear those words, it’s for us. When I say the words, “I won’t let you stand on the table.” Or, “I won’t let you hit your brother.” It reminds me that it is my job now not to ask my child not to hit the baby, but to step in and keep everybody safe.

And for some of us that can be really hard to do, and that’s why that line, it triggers me into my boundary mode. It makes me remember, “Hang on, I won’t let you hit your brother so I am now going to step between you, move you, move him, move me, to keep us safe.” And again, the wording doesn’t matter as much as the fact we are stepping in and physically helping our child. Now, some children might then go into a bit of a meltdown zone and this is a combination of shame because it never feels good to have done the wrong thing. Our kids don’t want to get it wrong. Particularly if they have hit or hurt, once our children are hitting or hurting, their frontal cortex is offline completely. And it never feels good to have that go offline, it’s quite scary. So when we hit and we’ve lost it, it feels terrifying.

So our kids really need us to contain them to make them safe, and so much of the way we do that is in our calm, kind, but very much in control presence. And where we go wrong a lot with this is we are saying too many words, “Oh, no, don’t hit the baby. Oh, he doesn’t like that. We don’t hit in this family, we use gentle hands.” And we’re using all this language and our child is actually not able to stop, and they’re really saying, “Please just stop me.”

So I try to step in and say, “I won’t let you hit the baby.” I might redirect, or I might say, “You can touch his toes, but not his head.” Or give them two choices or something like that. But it may be that my child is then fighting me and melting down, and what I need to do is offer them an opportunity to feel less shame. So I do that with compassion like, “Oh, you’re having a hard time. You’re letting me know, I can see.” And I might say something like, “It’s really hard being a big brother sometimes.”“ Or, “You’re just not okay today, are you?” And we’re really trying to offer that empathy.

We can really want to jump too quickly to coaching or teaching or making this better, but we have to stay in the space of containment and empathy. And I like to think of it as the parenting summit where we’re trying to stand on this peak between firm and kind. And, for so many of us, it’s so hard to stay on this peak. Some of us are very good at being kind, and yet if we don’t hold enough firm, we can slip towards weak. And some of us are very good at being firm, but if you listen to a playback of it, was there warmth? Was there kindness? Was there compassion? Were you holding that idea in your head that this is a good kid who doesn’t want to get it wrong, or did you sound mean?

Challenging behavior and consequences

Jessica: That’s so helpful. Yeah, on so many levels. What about consequences? So what’s to stop them from continuing with the same behavior? Do we need consequences? What do those look like? 

Gen: Yeah. So with little children, we really don’t need consequences very often. And when you are thinking to yourself I need to do something about this, you know, if I don’t teach him, he will never learn. If you are thinking that, probably off track. With little kids, it’s a good sign that we’re not asking the right question. And the right question is to stop and go, okay, this is a good kid and he doesn’t want to get it wrong or she doesn’t want to get it wrong. So what is underlying this behavior or what is too great a challenge? How can I set my child up for success by assisting them? And I think I mean a bit of a theme today but a common one that we can really get so triggered by is when we have siblings fighting or particularly one child hitting another or constantly going after another’s toys.

And it can feel like a real trigger to our values. Because one of the things we want more than anything as parents is for our kids to get along. And actually one of the things we need to do is step back and think what role am I playing in this as well, right? Because children seek us out and seek our connection 24/7. And if you are someone that feels very triggered by one of your children hitting the other, there may be a chance that you are coming in too hard on the hitter without enough empathy. And so they’re feeling bad and we’re in a bit of a cycle. No one’s having fun in and that can cause them to keep hitting and it’s like a terrible cycle because the truth is all they want is to feel connected with us. And yet they know innately that if I hit I wind up getting this really focused reaction.

It might be my parent yelling at me and telling me we do not hit in this family, but I get all this connection and attention and it’s not good connection, but I will take any form right now. So I always like to get parents if they’re seeing repeated behavior we need to step back from it and think, okay, so kids go well when they can. So what is getting in the way of my child going well, what are they processing right now? When we come from that lens, we’re most likely to say, well, if my child’s seeking connection do I need to really… It can sound kind of intuitive, but if you’ve got one child picking on the other, giving your child just 10 minutes of one-on-one special time where you say to your child I love playing with you, I absolutely love it. Just 10 minutes.

Allow for one-on-one special time

Like it doesn’t have to be a trip to the zoo, just 10 minutes where you say, I can’t wait to have time with you. And as you play with them, you say, you are so fun. And then that night as you tuck them in, you say my favorite part of today was having one-on-one time with you and just playing with you on the floor, doing something you love to do. The impact that can have on our children, especially a child that is picking on the baby can be so profound. Like you can see an instant difference. And then parents can say to me, well that’s not enough. And it probably isn’t because your child also is doing the best they can. And if they are hitting or hurting, or looking uncomfortable around the baby, that’s absolutely those boundaries. And when our child is doing that, they’re almost saying set a boundary for a bigger reason than just stopping that hit or hurt.

The boundary is almost like the guardrails on a bridge and when children are going through any time of change, which just being three is a time of change, right? Like just being three and processing the fact I’m no longer an infant and I’m a boy not a girl and all this stuff. You know, sometimes I have fears and doubts and all of that is happening for a three year old and often they’re processing a sibling as well. So that’s a big year. We fill that emotional cup with connection, but we also need to understand that when we’re able to set one of those firm, but kind limits for our kids, it lets them know, “Hey, I’m at the wheel.” 

So what we want to be able to do is be comfortable knowing it’s totally okay to come up and say, hey, it doesn’t work for me to have you jumping on the couch and I need you to get down. And if your child isn’t able to get down, we’re giving them a hand. And if they then have a meltdown, and this is the third arm of it. So we’ve got our connection, our boundaries, but then we need to be able to accept it’s totally okay for my child not to like this. And in fact, if we can sit in with a massive meltdown that follows us saying, I won’t let you climb on the couch or the table because it’s not safe or it doesn’t work for me. And our child has a big emotional meltdown.

If we’re able to sit in that without fixing it, without solving it, without backing down on the boundary, without distracting our child, what we’re saying to our child is your feelings are not too big for me and I’m able to love you.

You can come to me when you are happy and when you are sad and when you’re jealous and when you are angry, all of those emotions are safe with me. And all of those emotions are healthy and that’s an incredible gift to give a child. But I want to kind of give a sense of how often we need to do this because there can be enormous pressure to get this right. And we’re talking about doing this around 30% of the time.

Being kind to yourself, because as we are getting ready for work with multiple children, we don’t always have the capacity to find that fire. And that’s okay. But if we saw that pattern repeat, so the next time there’s a challenge, he wants to opt out, you might spot it and go, “Hang on.” I’ve seen this before. Where’s the fire? “I think you are worried and that makes sense because doing new things is really hard. But I’ve seen you do really scary things before. Because I remember you went to that other camp that time and you were so worried that you went anyway and I know you’ve got this because I know you’re brave.” So the other thing we need to do is find the story of our child’s brave or find the story of our child’s good and remind them of that.

So for little children who are scared to go to daycare or even toilet training, right? Or potty training. “I know that it can be scary to sit on the potty and you’re not sure about it, but I know because I’ve seen you do hard things before and new things. I remember you used to be so scared of the big slide at the park and you do that so well now. You were not sure the first time and it’s gotten easier and easier. So I know you’ll nail this potty training thing. I know you’ve got this. I really know that about you.”

So if we can remember that for our child and even on the day he didn’t go, he chose not to go, that’s okay. But you can say to him, “Tonight I’ve been thinking about it and I think you were worried and that makes sense to worry. But I also know you totally could have done that. I’ve seen you do brave things.” And we want to find another story where we are able to hold those stories for our kids as the narratives of like the brave things he’s done or the times he has had that confidence even though it was hard. And that can really help our kids.

Jessica: I love that. I have a great plan for tonight. And I also forgive myself. I had a really important 9:00 o’clock . [laughter] So it’s okay.

Gen: Totally. And I’m a parent educator and I absolutely have moments that I’m not [chuckle] I feel like I don’t have my kind or I don’t have my creative or I just look at the 10th meltdown of the day and think, “I’m going to step over that one [laughter]” And go to my room and take a deep breath. “I can’t do this.” And one of the things I’ve really fostered over the years is that self-compassion and that piece of saying, “Hey, you know, absolutely.” Particularly with welcoming feelings, 30% to 40% of the time is perfect and actually shooting to do too much more than that what the evidence shows is that parents burn out. And we wind up doing too much, we’re overdoing it for our kids because we’re not allowing any struggle. It’s actually okay for our kids to feel uncomfortable or to feel scared. Even let’s track back to a tiny baby and they’re on the mat and they’re trying to reach a ball and they look frustrated. One of the things we overdo because we are uncomfortable with our children ever struggling is we might just push the ball towards them. We don’t even wait to see if they show us with their body that they want our help.

Pause and commentate

And often if you pause and commentate instead, “Ugh, you really want to reach that ball.” And I’m not saying to the point of cruelty where we’d let our baby get really frustrated, but we’re allowing a little bit of frustration and we say, “Yeah, you really want to reach that toy. Ah, it’s hard.” When we do that we’re saying, “I see you, you are real, this feeling is real. I’m okay with it, like you can show me frustration as well as happiness.” And then what will happen is our baby A, might get there themselves and get that incredible feeling where they look back at us and go, “I did it.” You know they get to do it on their own. They get to achieve that. I got to reach out and do that. Or they try again, and then they look at us and then you can say, “Ah, you want me to help? Sure, I’ll help you.” And we bring it in. And what we’re allowing is just slowing that down and not kind of always jumping into fix. If we can do that 30% of the time, it makes a really big difference.

Jessica: I love the 30%. I’ve heard 70%, and then I heard somebody say 60%, and I really like 30% feels more doable.

Gen: First of all, the 30% is, it’s been proven for 60 years and there’s fact [chuckle] there. So that…

Jessica: That’s 30%, let’s just repeat it for everybody. Feeling like you are in flow with parenting, you’re inflow with parenting, you’re handling things the way that Gen is describing around 30% of the time.

Gen: Particularly with welcoming emotions. So often connection when our kids are going well, is easier. We all… It’s fun when our kids are going well, it’s when they’re struggling, it can be harder. But really knowing that you don’t need to nail this perfectly or always sort of step in fully in the way you want to be more than about 30% to 40%. And any more than that you will burn out. But also we are not giving our kids the opportunity sometimes to just feel their feelings and it is okay. I mean, if my child was really unregulated, really melting down, sometimes that forces us to do it, even when we’re not in the mood. We think, “Oh, I so don’t have this in me but here I am.” Could I finish with a story? Because I find stories better than to give you advice like self-care and, you know… Can I finish with the story? 

Jessica: I’d love it. Please.

Gen: Okay, so this is when I had my fourth son. I had him in the kitchen, he’s in a baby carrier, he’s 10 days old. My 2-year-old Tommy is at my feet and he says, “Could I have a banana?” And Tommy… The reason there’s four children is that Tommy is this easy child, easy baby, easy birth, never cried. But this is the story of the day he did. So he said, “Could I have a banana?” And I said, “Yeah, sure.” I handed him a banana and he said, “Could you peel it?” I said, “Yeah, sure.” And I started to feel a banana and in the process of peeling his banana, I did what no parent should ever do. I broke it in half. So Tommy is now… He’s saying, “This banana’s broken, I need a new one, this is not okay.” And I’m 10 days postpartum, baby in my carrier, cooking dinner, four kids underfoot. I was not… I didn’t feel much compassion about this banana. I couldn’t find my creativity or my calm.

And so… First of all, I just sort of said, “You know, well I… “ I went with logic. “I don’t have another banana, so eat it or don’t, there’s nothing I can do about it.” I went with that. He started to get louder as children do. He’s saying, “You’re not hearing me. I’m devastated about this banana.” And so I found myself getting a bit snappier. Well, you know, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I’m thinking, where’s my husband? And I’m getting more frustrated, I don’t have this in me. Why is he being like this, you know, feeling like that? And then he’s getting louder and louder, he’s on the floor, he’s kicking and screaming and I thought, “Oh, I need this to stop.” So I said, I’ll give you a bowl, I’ll put a spoon in it.” I mean, I would’ve put chocolate sauce on that banana if it had stopped my child crying.

I really needed it to stop and I could feel this thing building in me. I don’t know if anyone else has had this experience, but it was like my mother was going to come out of me and I was going to scream, “Go to your room.” Which I know would not be helpful for my two year old. I’m a parent educator, I know that’s not right, but I couldn’t find my usual tools. I was so tired and I just was thinking, “I want this to stop.” And then something came into my head and I remembered just one thing and that’s, “I don’t need to fix this or solve this, I just need to let him know I hear him.”

So I took a deep breath. I sat down next to him on the kitchen floor and I opened my palms and I just said three things. I said, “Your banana broke.” He went, “Yeah.” I said, “You did not want it to break.” He said, “No, I didn’t want it to break.” And I said, “You’re really sad about this, you really wish your banana didn’t break.” He said, “Yeah.”

And within, honestly, no word of a lie, two seconds, his head was on my shoulder and within about three seconds he was eating the banana. And I sat there on the floor with my baby in the carrier, my two year at my feet. And I was quite in awe of what had happened despite the fact that I’ve spent 10 years naming feelings with my children. And it’s something that I’ve gotten better and better at with time. And it blew me away because of how hard it was to find my knowledge in the moment. It blew me away because of how well it works when we do it authentically and how good it felt. And it blew me away thirdly, because later that night, as I tucked him in bed and I was telling my husband the story, I was able to find the fire.

So I thought to myself that wasn’t about the banana. I have a 10 day old baby in my carrier. I’d just been in hospital for five days. He’s two. Of course he’s processing this baby. And at two, we don’t need to name that in the moment, but by sitting on the floor and saying, “You really wish your banana didn’t break.” We do this incredible thing with our kids where we let them know that their feelings are safe with us and they’re not too much for us. And I think that’s the ultimate form of love 30% of the time. [chuckle]

Jessica: Oh, that was such a great story. Thank you so much for sharing that. Gen, it’s just been wonderful having you with us. Thank you so much.

Gen: Thanks for having me.

You can find Gen @connectedparentingau. These are my takeaways from the conversation:

1. Gen reminds us that you need to name it to tame it. There’s no modifying challenging behavior without figuring out the root cause. 
2. No matter what the behavior, children are never choosing to get it wrong. If they’re acting out, chances are good they need more connection with you. They are seeking out that connection 24 hours a day, and they will seek it out any way they can.
3. And if your child’s not okay, they probably don’t want us to fix it or solve it or make it better. They actually just want us to acknowledge their struggle: “You’re really not happy about the Nutella, huh?” It’s as simple as that. Or, for an older child, you can dig a bit deeper: “I can see you’re really struggling with this Nutella and I’m wondering if you’re a little bit nervous about going to a new camp today? That can feel scary.”
4. Gen likes the phrase “I won’t let you hit” rather than something like “in this family, we don’t hit”. Not only does it clearly communicate to the child that they have crossed a boundary, it reminds you that your role is now to step in and keep everybody safe. She says setting boundaries with toddlers is most effective with a calm, but very much in control, physical presence.
5. Remember, one-on-one time can go a long way toward diffusing sibling conflict. Rivalries generally stem from a child feeling like they aren’t getting enough of your attention.

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