New additions: Bringing home a sibling

“As you get closer to the baby’s impending arrival, you want to give the toddler a script of what is going to happen — concrete information presented in a visual way if possible.”

Gabrielle Felman, Early Childhood Development Specialist

Share the news of a baby brother or sister with a toddler, and it’s likely to be met with enthusiasm. But at some point after the baby arrives, jealousy and resentment can get in the way, and that can manifest in all sorts of new behaviors.

Jessica Rolph welcomes Gabrielle Felman, an early childhood development specialist and clinical social worker. She shares loads of practical, real-life tips and insights for how to best prepare for and navigate this transition.

Key Takeaways:

[1:40] What is the best way to prepare your toddler to be a big brother or sister?

[4:55] When is the right time to talk to a toddler about the birth of a sibling?

[5:46] When do you first tell your toddler that they’re going to be a big brother or big sister?

[7:33] What about using a baby doll to prepare?

[9:32] Is there an optimal age for a child to become a sibling to a newborn?

[10:28] What behavior should parents be expecting from the older child when the new baby gets added to the mix? What’s typical?

[15:38] Is there a way to derail the sense of rivalry or jealousy from the very beginning between siblings?

[19:34] Gabrielle shares her perspective about granting space to the older sibling and taking a laid-back approach to holding, cuddling, even being excited about the baby.

[20:56] What to do when the older sibling is smothering the baby sibling with love. How do you give that baby some space?

[22:54] How can parents involve the toddler in caring for the newborn?

[24:29] What if your toddler wants you to pick them up when you’re holding the baby or feeding the baby?

[25:43] What to do when your older child isn’t interested in the baby at all?

Books recommended by Gabrielle:

The New Small Person, Lauren Child

King Baby, Kate Beaton

Little Miss, Big Sis, Amy Krouse Rosenthal

Snuggle the Baby, Sara Gillingham

Transcript:

Preparing your toddler for a new baby 

Jessica: It’s so great to have you here on this really important, meaningful topic. So I want to get right into it. So frequently, a child is around two or somewhere between two and four when a new sibling is introduced. What’s the best way to prepare your toddler for being a big brother or a big sister? 

Set expectations

Gabrielle: I really think it’s about setting expectations in a really, really concrete way. Once your toddler knows that a baby is coming, as you get closer to that time when the… Of the baby’s impending arrival, you want to give the toddler a script of what is going to happen, where you’re going to be who you’re going to be with. Concrete information, especially presented in a visual way, it could just be a few pictures, is really helpful for a toddler, when they’re thinking about this very abstract concept of you birthing another human. Like what does that even mean? So oftentimes what I say to parents is, a few weeks before the baby is going to come, you might say to your toddler, “Baby sister,” or, “Baby is going to come soon. When that happens, grandma and grandpa, or somebody you love is going to be here to stay with you. And mommy and daddy, or mommy and mommy are going to go to the hospital to have the baby. Because that’s where this baby is going to be born. When we come home, the baby is going to come live with us. We used to have three people in our family, and now we will have four.” or, “We used to have five people in our family, and now we will have six.”

Avoid big changes

So you want to be really concrete about the information that’s going to come about. Other things I often really say to parents is, to not make any other huge changes if you can, between 10 and 12 weeks before or after the baby is going to arrive. So it’s not the time for potty learning, it’s not the time to transition to a different sleeping vessel, it’s not the time to take away a pacifier if your child is still using one. Those comfort items and keeping their routine very consistent is going to help with this other huge change. So if you need… If you think you’re going to use a crib for the new baby, then you’re going to want to transition your bigger kid out of that crib, like three or four months before the baby comes. So you want to try to be able to let your little one control what they can, because this new change of the baby is really big. You also want to be careful about hyping up this new sibling so much. [chuckle] ‘Cause we’re often like, “It’s so exciting. It’s so great. You’re going to be a big sister.” Again, that’s a really abstract concept.

And your older child may be having some varied feelings about it. And they might not be feeling excited, they might be feeling really worried. So you want to follow your toddler’s lead in terms of how much they want to talk about the impending child. They may ask questions, answer them, but if they’re not really talking about the new baby, really try to keep the conversation at a minimum until you really need to start preparing them for what’s going to happen when you actually go to the hospital.

Prepare them at ~37 weeks

Jessica: And when would that be? Is that like two weeks before, or three weeks before your due date? How…

Gabrielle: So I usually say, if to… If you can, probably around 37 weeks. Because we know, for most healthy pregnancies, a baby comes between 37 and 40 weeks, often closer to your due date. And if you sort of know your birthing history, it’ll give you a little bit, like extra information. But I often say if you don’t really know, and you have made it to 37 weeks, that’s generally a good time to tell your little one that it’s going to happen soon. Because three weeks is somewhat a time frame that they can sort of handle. So I often say around 37 weeks, get the ball rolling, your toddler can help you pack your hospital bag, if you want. Your toddler could draw some pictures for the new baby for you to take.

When do you tell a toddler you’re pregnant?

Jessica: When do you first tell your toddler that they’re going to be a big brother, or big sister? 

Gabrielle: So I get asked this question all the time, and it’s a really personal choice. But clinically, especially for children around two to four, where growing a human inside your uterus is a really abstract concept, I often tell parents to wait as long as possible for a couple of reasons. First time for a child who’s this age is so, doesn’t… It’s so abstract. They think of time as in tomorrow or yesterday, or yesterday when I was a baby. They have those temporal concepts, but nine months is a lifetime for a two and a half, or three or four-year-old. So when you can wait as long as possible, it’s really helpful for your little one because they are not then wondering like everyday, is today, is it today, is it today? If you… And there’s nothing for them to see. So once your body really starts changing, like around six, seven months, and you could start to see the baby move or they can sort of connect to what’s happening in your body in a visual and concrete way, it’ll start to make more meaning for them.

Oftentimes parents will come to me and they’re like, “Oh, I was 12 weeks pregnant, and we did a gender reveal. And now my three and a half-year-old is, every day is like, is the baby coming today?” And she… And they ask me, “Am I going to listen to this for the next nine months?” And I say, “Yes, you are. They’re going to ask you everyday for the next nine months, or six months when the baby is coming.” So I often say, if you can help it, wait till about six or seven months when you can visually see a change in your body, and the older child may be able to feel the baby move.

Use props to help them understand

Jessica: That is really, really helpful. And what about props? Like baby dolls. Does a doll help? 

Gabrielle: Yes, this is like my favorite question. Parents will say, “What do I get my little one?” Young children process their world through play, that’s how they make sense of what’s happening, they mimic what adults are doing. Especially three and four-year-olds who move into that big and powerful play, often want to be mommies and daddies, because we are the ones making all those decisions. We run the world to your little pre-schooler and toddler. And so giving them the opportunity to have objects that they can use to mimic the things that you will want… You will soon be doing with the baby, is so important. So I often say a baby doll that can go into a bath tub.

So you want… Because bathing a baby is really fun, you’re going to bath the baby. So a baby doll that can go into a bathtub, a bottle. Your baby might… If you’re breastfeeding and your toddler wants to breastfeed their baby, you run with that, even if your toddler is a boy. You just… They’re processing what’s happening. So baby doll that can go in the bath, a bottle, a tiny baby carrier, if you’re going to use one, a baby stroller, a couple of baby toys, newborn, or preemie-size diapers that your toddler can practice putting on and off that baby doll. But real diapers is so magical for a young child. One of my favorite videos of my older daughter is her mimicking bath time of her then infant sister, and she was… You could see the processing happening as she was playing.

She was listing all the parts, she was singing the song I was singing, she was giving the comforting words. And so when you allow your baby to play in that way, it’s really how they process the emotions of what they’re experiencing.

No optimal age difference between kids 

Jessica: That makes so much sense. And I think you also have some book recommendations, which we will include in the show notes. So talking about gaps. Is there an optimal age for a child to become a sibling to newborn? 

Gabrielle: No. There’s really no research that says that there is an optimal age difference between children. I think that… Babies who are born really close together don’t often remember life without each other. But children who have a sibling when they’re seven or eight, remember the… Can really remember that magical experience of bringing that baby home. And so they’re… It’s really what’s best for your family quite honestly. What’s best for your situation. But I never would want a parent to feel pressured, especially in those days of infertility, where they’re like, “Well, it’s been four years, there’s no point in having another baby now.” Magical sibling relationships can happen with any age gap, it’s really about finding ways to help your children build that relationship. And there’s magic between many different age gaps.

What we can expect from our toddler 

Jessica: What behavior should parents be expecting from an… The older child when this new baby gets added to the mix? What can we expect? What’s typical? 

Regression

Gabrielle: There’s a whole, whole range of typical. And so what we really want to look for is… My favorite saying to parents is, “When we’re stressed, we regress.” So it is not uncommon to see your young child regress in behavior. Baby talk, accidents if they’re potty trained, trouble sleeping, change in appetite. Lots of big feelings that seemingly have nothing to do with the baby, so you may see an uptick in temper tantrums, an uptick in separation anxiety. Those are all really, really normal when you bring a new baby home. The tricky part is that for some children, this happens right away. And for other children, there’s a honeymoon period of the excitement of this new baby, and then when the baby is like four, five and six months old, you start to see a regression in behavior. And then, you might even see some aggression towards the baby, and part of this is pushing boundaries.

Pushing boundaries 

The other thing that a child who is two, three, four, and even five, might do when they are feeling like a lot has changed and they are uncomfortable with those changes, is they push up against boundaries. Boundary pushing is another way a child processes safety. So they want to make sure that rules that you’ve set, or values that you’ve set, are consistent from before the change. So I’ll say to a parent, “When this new baby comes home, you might be feeling a little bit guilty about bringing home a new… This new child. It’s not the time to give your kid ice cream for breakfast every morning because they’re crying for it.” That’s very confusing to a young child, so you should really expect your toddler to ask for things that you would’ve… That they’ve never asked for before, to push up against boundaries.

To maybe be a little bit aggressive toward the baby and then look at you. What they’re really asking for is, “Please maintain my life the way it was, because I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by this big change.” And so, it’s the toddler’s job to push those boundaries, and it’s our job to comfort and remain consistent. One of my favorite… I came home from the hospital with my little one, just around my older daughter’s nap time. And I walked in, and we introduced the baby, and I said to my older daughter, “I am so happy I got home before your nap.” And my husband and my mother shot me this look like, “How… I can’t believe you’re going to put her in for a nap.” And I was like, “Of course I’m going to put her in for a nap. It’s her nap time.” Her routine shouldn’t change. And so we want to keep our older child’s routine as maintained as possible because that’s what’s going to give them a sense of safety, while they go through these phases of pushing some boundaries and having some regressive behavior.

Jessica: Wow, I want to pause for a second. So you brought your baby home and you tuned into your toddler’s point of view on their life. That is big, actually, like this is such a big moment, you’re so excited to introduce the baby. But you’re actually speaking to your toddler about their nap time, which is something that’s really relevant to their routine and their life.

How to avoid sibling rivalry 

And then I want to get into this… The thick of it, this topic of sibling rivalry. And looking back, I think about when we brought my second child home and then my third child home, the pattern was in our family. [chuckle] that our… The older sibling would just become a little too aggressive with rubbing the cheeks. And it started out with a sweet gentle touch of the cheek of the baby’s cheek, and then it’s her became a swipe, and then it became a squeeze from behind. And it’s just like this concept, I think that it really kind of set the tone for the sibling rivalry, and I think I now look back and think I see this evidence happening from the beginning. Is there a way to derail the sense of rivalry or jealousy from the very beginning? What tricks do we have? 

Gabrielle: So I have a few tricks and they may sound a little hokey, but bear with me. So when we’re thinking about… It goes a little back to boundary setting and it goes a little about to understanding, what is the intention of your toddler, of the older sibling, and they can be “aggressive” or a little rough for a few reasons. For 2 1/2 and three-year-olds, that newborn baby was not the baby they expected. When they are thinking of a baby, they’re often thinking of a six to nine-month-old that’s babbling and making eye contact and sort of a fun toy. When you bring home on newborn, it’s not doing much and it cries a lot and they’re like, “Well, this is not what I signed up for, this baby stinks, it doesn’t do anything.” And so for young kids, they often will poke and prod because it gets a reaction out of the newborn. They’ll cry and they’re like, “Well, this is a great wind-up toy.” Or they are worried about a lot… Or they’re hearing a lot of crying and it’s a sensory overload and they don’t know how to make it stop and so they’ll be aggressive because they want the crying to stop, so we want to try to figure out, what is your baby’s intention? And then we want to come at it and validate it from that point of view.

My newborn baby had a very high pitch Velociraptor cry and my older one is a little sensitive in the ears. And as we watched the pattern, that was when she got most aggressive. And so I finally said to her one day, “Nora is really loud, and I think it hurts your ears. When that happens, you can say, “Too loud,” and walk into another room.” So we followed the pattern of our older one to see what was igniting that aggression, and it gave her the space to have multiple feelings like, “I like this baby and it’s too loud and scary.” Or “I feel worried when the baby cries, and so I’m lashing out with a behavior because I don’t have the language yet to articulate that.”

So once we observed as parents, we were able to support her in her intentionality behind the behavior that was happening and for young children, they often want to be validated. And so, that’s my first trick. The other trick is to really speak for the baby and the newborn and to say like, “Ouch! B is crying, it looked like that was too rough. You can touch her in a more gentle way. You can stroke her body like this.” So what we want to try to not do is react with a big reaction and say, “Don’t hit.” Because we’re not getting to the root of the behavior, we want to model and stay calm and give the baby a voice and give the toddler a voice, and that’s how you start that dynamic of back and forth conversation between siblings.

Jessica: These are such great insights. I got something on Instagram that I thought was really interesting from one of our customers, and she talked about a strategy that she did around giving space to really not pushing, hugging, kissing, touching, holding the baby, even looking at the baby, even being in the same room with the baby. She said, “I let him adjust on his own. And by the time he turned two, he warmed up to the idea. And then he wanted to hold the other child on their own after a month or so, and 2 1/2 years later, they are best friends.” So in her mind, giving space actually helped a lot. It’s so not instinctual, we want those two to be best friends. We’re so excited about the baby, we want our family to be excited too, including the older sibling. What do you think about this concept of space and actually really taking a very kind of chill, laid-back approach to holding, cuddling, even being excited about the baby? 

Gabrielle: So 100%, and I was getting at this a little bit before, it’s all about following your child’s lead and not forcing the relationship on them. And I totally agree, it’s about asking and wondering, but not forcing. And so I actually think space is a really respectful way to let your toddler get acclimated to this new human. And it goes back to something I said before about having caregivers and grandparents talk to the sibling about something other than the baby, not like, “Oh, are you being such a helper to mommy?” But instead of like, “Tell me about school today.” And if the sibling brings up the baby, great, engage. But to really let the older sibling take the lead. My older daughter did not hold my younger one until the younger was almost five months old, literally wouldn’t get near her, and we just… And now they’re also best friends. We just allowed for that curiosity to happen at her pace, and that is really respectful to your older sibling.

What if my toddler loves my newborn too much? 

Jessica: And what to do when the older sibling is just the absolute opposite, they’re just smothering the baby sibling with way too much love. How do you give that baby some space? 

Gabrielle: So it’s so interesting, I think it’s reading the cues. So it’s our instinct to want to jump in and navigate that for them, but to help…

Jessica: Save the baby.

Gabrielle: Like save the baby, but to help…

Jessica: You just want to save the baby.

Gabrielle: Right, you want to save the baby. But I will say, is that the baby will react to something that doesn’t feel comfortable for them. So if your older toddler is smothering the baby in kisses, but the baby doesn’t mind, always stay close because young children don’t have impulse control, we need to… It can turn to the other side really fast of being too much. But if your younger children is tolerating it, baby’s tolerating it, let it happen. I will say, but if the baby starts to cry, you can take your toddler and say, “You are giving so many kisses, I wonder if baby Bea is saying that’s too much? Let’s give her a second of space, and then we can try again.” So it’s modeling for your toddler how to start reading your baby’s cues and speaking for your baby and giving your baby that voice. It’s a very, very delicate dance.

Now, if the baby is… If your toddler’s all over your baby and your baby is like losing her mind, again in a calm way, just say, “I’m noticing… “ I’m just using B as a name, “I’m noticing Bea is saying too much, she needs some space. Do you want to go read a book with me? Or should we build with Magna-Tiles?” When you get a toddler to stop doing something, you have to give them something else to do. Otherwise they don’t know where to go from there, they may double down with the behavior. But if you can partner with your toddler in those times to notice and to articulate and to problem solve and then move them on to something else, over time, they will learn to do that on their own.

Empower your toddler to help 

Jessica: So helpful. And then, how can we involve the toddler in caring for the newborn? Does this work, empowering the older sibling to feel like they’re helping, that they’re part of it? Does this sense of responsibility really help them step into that role of big brother or sister? 

Gabrielle: So this really goes back to the space question, it’s all about following your toddler’s lead. If your toddler wants to help, it is so wonderful to give them age-appropriate ways they can help. Sing the baby a song while you’re changing a diaper, bring you a clean diaper, throw away a dirty diaper, count while you’re heating up breast milk or hold your hand while you’re breastfeeding or breastfeed their baby next to you. There’s always ways to find ways for your toddler to be a part of it if they want to, it’s the forcing them of, “You’re a great… You’re going to be a great big sibling.” Or “You’re always mommy’s helper.” That can feel a little bit too much, but toddlers instinctually love to help, they get huge gratification from being given a job. Think about so many of your playthings. The mop, the squeegee, all of these toys where they’re really using real life, what seems like growing up things, to engage in their world. They’ll want to help if they feel like they can come at it with their own vision in their own time and when they want to. It’s really going to build their confidence and have them be able to spend more time with you, which is what they want.

Jessica: Completely. And what do we do if a toddler wants… You gave us some great tips on what to do when you’re feeding the baby, you can hold my hand or there might be some other ideas when you’re occupied with feeding the baby, but what if your toddler wants you to pick them up when you’re holding the baby or feeding the baby? What do you do? 

Gabrielle: So one of my favorite tricks is to make a super magical feeding box, and this can be helpful if you’re pumping, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, however type of feeding you’re doing, when you can make a super magical breastfeeding box of things that only come out when you’re feeding. So it could be like Play-doh, beads, if they’re too small to have when the baby’s up and playing on the floor. And involve your toddler, say, “We’re going to make this magical box of fun activities for you to participate in when I’m feeding the baby. You can also sit next to me and feed your baby, but if you want an activity, we’re going to go make this magical box and it’s just for you.” So it often feels like really exciting and they get to do these really exciting things when you’re feeding. And oftentimes, that magical box is a game changer.

My toddler isn’t interested in the newborn

Jessica: I love that idea so much. And how do you handle… Sometimes our older children just really aren’t interested in the baby at all. They aren’t loving, they aren’t interested. And it’s like, how do you handle that disappointment as a parent? I’ve been there and it’s just… It can be really painful. Do you have any tips for how to frame this for yourself? 

Gabrielle: Oh my God, yes, frame it. And I always tell parents to take a deep breath and say that the sibling relationship is most often the longest relationship your child will have, so these relationships take time to develop. They’re going to go through phases, they’re going to go through ups and downs, and that this first phase of getting used to the baby, if you give your child, your older child the space to become interested at their readiness, it’s going to lead to less resentment of that baby. And you can find ways to talk to your older child about that in very loving mommy and big kid moments, and to say, “You know what? I’m noticing you’re not so into baby Nora, I’m wondering about that.” And see what they say. From personal experience, again, it took my older one a long time to get interested in the baby. And for her, the unpredictability of Nora, the crying…

Like all that unpredictability of the noises she was going to make really was the reason Marin wanted nothing to do with her in the beginning, it just felt too overwhelming for her. But once we were able to get to the bottom of that and notice it, we were able to talk about it, and I was able to say like, “It is okay to have those feelings.” And when she felt that her view of this was respected and that there was maybe a solution or we can take it slow, it made her want to build a relationship, but she just wanted to do it in our own time. And I think if you really take that extended view that this is the beginning of a very long relationship, hopefully, and you give them their own space to build that relationship, it pays off. It really pays off.

Jessica: That is such a beautiful vision. I so appreciate you, Gabby. It’s been wonderful having you. We’re going to have a part two, we need to have a part two. There’s more questions about when the baby becomes more mobile and how do we encourage sharing and really kind of deal with sibling rivalry as it heats up as the children get older, but this has been such a helpful episode.

Gabrielle: I could talk about this for weeks, seriously, so… It’s been so great to talk to you.

Jessica: Thank you, Gabby.

Gabby has more tips on this subject and others on our Lovevery app, included with the Lovevery Play Kits subscription. Learn more on the Lovevery blog. 

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